I'm having a hard time settling down to anything today. I've accomplished basically nothing substantial -- I'm a total space case.

If you requested a reading via my open thread, I'll get back to you once I'm grounded -- I don't trust my intuition right now, but after some dinner I'll probably feel better.

This is a very weird feeling, and knowing I have so much to do in the next few days is not a good feeling either. I get this way sometimes, and I've never been able to figure out the common denominator.

Can I get a do over on today?

I ended up taking a mental health day from the job search today. Part of that was involuntary -- my laptop is sick and Vista won't boot out of crcdisk (whatever that is). I searched and apparently this is the side effect of an update Windows sent out -- something to do with USB ports, I don't know. It can't do a system restore nor boot up in Safe Mode. So I'm gonna have to reinstall Windows (XP if I can get ahold of a copy, I really hate Vista) which pisses me off. Most of my really important stuff is on the flash drive, so I won't lose much, but it's still a PITA. It's enough to make me consider switching to Mac out of spite next time I buy a laptop. Grrrrrr.

And on top of that, I just hit the wall. I'm tired, I'm stressed. I have had zero strong nibbles on the job front, and the mild nibble I had last week has so far not turned into anything. Now, spring breaks are happening at colleges around the country this week and next, so maybe the radio silence should be expected. But I still cannot believe that I am as good at my job as I am -- and I know that I am -- and no one seems willng to take a chance on me. It's really quite demoralizing. Add in the fact that my current job with The Boss is slowly eating my soul and my self-esteem, and it's not a fun time around here.

Speaking of The Boss, we sent the manuscript for the 1896 book off to the publishers yesterday. We have a little work left to do, but for all intents we are done. I basically came back to this job to finish the book with him, since I was the primary researcher on it from the beginning. He won't fire me or anything, but there likely won't be much work of substance for me to do unless he picks Mr. Blaine back up. I promised to stay until the book was done, and I've done that, but now I don't know what my next step will be.

I'm trying to remain positive, cheerful, and focused. I know everyone's having a hard time. I know I have Options. Bun and I spend a lot of time talking about Plan B these days, which involves relocating to a certain city on the Gulf Coast (or thereabouts). I don't want to get too attached to Plan B in case it's not what we go with. It also means admitting failure on the market yet again, unless one of the jobs I've put in for down there comes through (and none of them are teaching gigs). I tell myself that there are several community colleges where I could adjunct there, that there are three universities with good Soc programs, and I could go back and get the 18 grad hours of Sociology I need to be certified to teach. But the idea of going back to school after spending 10 years getting a PhD is depressing and daunting.

There has to be something out there for me. I'm a talented professor -- everyone that comes through my classroom says so. I'm a good researcher, and a good writer. I do excellent work.

So why won't anyone give me a second look?

I'm just not feeling the job search today. I was halfway through the electronic app for a staff position at UH, and just couldn't hang. (Don't worry, I saved it and will finish it later.) I'm so over looking for a job, but since I don't have one yet, that means I gotta keep up the search.  I'm just tired of putting all these little pieces of myself out in the Universe and not getting any results. Yes, I know this all takes time. And I'll be in better humor about it tomorrow. But for today? I'm fuckin' over it.

I did probably six job apps last week, and while I've gotten some EEOC forms back, so far that's it. I thought I had a nibble from one, but so far that hasn't really materialized into anything more concrete. I am tired of waiting. I am trying not to worry. Bun and I are hatching  a Plan B that would be workable, but the idea of having failed on the job market yet again is discouraging. The idea of taking a nonteaching job is also discouraging to some extent, but it is something I could do and do well. I cannot believe that I have a PhD, and I am as a good a professor as I am (and I know that I am) and no place so far has taken a chance on me. It just seems wrong.

I know I shouldn't get discouraged, and I know being negative about it is bringing negativity into the situation. I have to stay focused and positive and just keep baiting hooks and putting them in the water.

But today? I'm fuckin' over it.

Just a little one, I promise. I'm just feeling the pressure today, partially because The Boss says the book is almost done, and thus my reason for coming back to work for him is winding down. He has told me that he will not be cutting me loose without income, but I know that my hours will at the very least be reduced. And I don't have  Plan B in place yet.

 ( Wherein our heroine has a freaklette )

Omg, massively busy day.

Show opens tonight. I need to be on campus by 5 to eat dinner (provided by WIN, yeah!), get dressed, and be ready to be on stage at 7.

I also need to pick up at least one silent auction donation, complete the silent auction donation I'm making of Dreaming Priestess product, print out certificates from another generous sponsor. Which means I need to be on campus at more like 430.

I also need to finish grading and getting grades up for UoP, and my online classroom is being bitchy.

I need to work out for 30 minutes, at least.

The dryer guy is coming to such the birds nest out of the vent today, and one of us should be here for that to wrangle the kittehs.

I also need to shower, figure out my hair for the show, go to the post office....

*KER-POW!!!!!!*

My brain is full.

I'm in the throes of my second week of Specialized Training for the University of Phoenix job. After I complete this week's training, I'll know if I proceed to the Mentorship, which is the last step before final hiring and is paid. Basically you teach two classes and have a mentor in your online classroom; based on your performance, they either hire you on or no. All signs seem to be trending positively for me here, but I won't really know anything until this time next week. The pace is grueling. I haven't had homework in years, after all, but so far I like it. I kind of want to take some classes online now just to get the student experience. I'll be glad when training is over, but even if I don't get the job I feel like I'm better equipped to do online teaching now.

I have writing that needs to get done. I'm working on the  Encyclopedia of Gay Folklife  and I'm a bit behind on my writing deadlines. I just can't get inspired. Probably because of the brain fry from UoP.

I need to start shopping the book to university presses. That was the suggestion from British Publisher, who thought the proposal was great and the manuscript brilliant, but not a good fit for their catalog. So it's off to the list from the  Chronicle that sirpurpleduck sent my way a few weeks ago.

I'm ready to get paid. It's been a broke week at The Stronghold.

Melissa Etheridge kicked ass last Friday. I got tickets last minute on Ebay, $50 for the pair. Great show. No opening talent, just 2 and a half hours of Melissa. Absolute heaven. Worth being a little tight this week.

I cannot do anymore homework tonight. I gotta sleep.

Sleep. Lots of it.

Figure out where I'm going to make up the shortfall between my bank account and my rent check. (and my electric bill. And my internet bill)

Get cellphone plan changed to a cheaper plan.

Cook some things to take for lunch next week so I don't have to spend money.

Write at least three reviews for PanGaia

Check in with proofreading clients to see what's in the revenue stream.

Living-room based yoga.

More sleep.

Try not to go insane with worry, business, or stress. 

 I am scheduled to begin training with Univeristy of Phoenix on 29 July. Assuming I pass the four-week training course, I'll be hired on, assigned a mentor, and teaching my own course.

Still no word from Mountain View about whether I still have a job.

Office Depot has not yet delivered my new toner and paper so I'm not sure how much work I'm going to get done up here at SMU tomorrow, since I am critical levels on both supplies.

Somehow I have to squeeze out enough hours to finish (for values of finish that equal "start") a handful of reviews for PanGaia. Those run at least $15 a pop, and a check for five or six of them would mean a load of groceries for the Stronghold.

Proofreading client picking up completed work tomorrow and dropping off more with me.

Other proofreading clients are promising me more work but are being veeeeery quiet -- they must be about as productive in front of the keyboard as I am these days.

 I cannot get going today. I'm just...exhausted...and not just in the physical sense. Sometimes I don't know if I have the stamina for this whole "starting my life over" thing. There is something to be said for routines, even if they sometimes turn into ruts. There is something to be said for having a way that you do things, for having things that  you accept as givens. Once all that is taken away, you're really starting from square one.

I'm so exhausted all I want to do is curl up and cry.

That is all. 

...readjusting to depression meds when you've been off of them for a month because you couldn't afford the prescription suuuuuuuuuucks......

Now back to your regularly scheduling surfing. 

Today was just too  much for this dakotawitch

Annual physical at 11:15am. This meant fasting since 11:00 last night. So sleeeeeeepy and mildly dehydrated. The Girl had to drive me into town, since I have not yet had the cash to put a new tire on the truck. Lucky she did, because I wouldn't have been able to stay awake for the drive in.

40 minute wait at the doctors. Dozed in the waiting room after The Girl and I finished playing the Find the Hidden Things puzzle in the latest Highlights (Stop looking at me. It's a doctor's office thing.)

Weighted, measured, peed in the cup, poked, prodded, inspected in places most people don't see without buying me dinner. 

Then down to the lab for the bloodwork, where they took FOUR FREAKIN' VIALS OF BLOOD.

I was already worn out and it was only 12:40. 

Then off for some lunch (finally) and to work whilst The Girl went to a job interview.

I'm tired. Too tired to do any of the things I was supposed to do tonight. Want sleep.

Question: What's more fun than a flat tire? 

Answer: A tire that blows along the back seams.

Question: What's more fun than a tire that blows along the back  seams?

Answer: A tire that blows along the seams on Highway 161 at midnight on a Friday night.

Question: What's more fun than having your tire blow on Highway 161 at midnight on a Friday night?

Answer: Getting out to change it and realizing that the spare is NOT THE SAME FUCKING SIZE AS THE OTHER TIRES.

Question: And what's the most fun of all?

Answer: Waiting by the side of the road for AAA to come and tow your ass nearly 20 miles to your apartment, and then wondering how you're going to get the damn thing to Discount Tire first thing Monday so they can replace your blown tire with a new one, which you really can't afford.

Next time I have a spare Friday night, I think I'm gonna skip the two hours on the side of a busy highway, thanks.

 Once again, the job search has stalled.

A few months ago, I found out I made the second round for a job at a local historically all-female institution of higher learning (henceforth referred to as LHFI). Which means they looked at my CV, were sufficiently interested to ask for things like a writing sample and letters of recommendation, and based on that new information would decide whether I got an interview or not. They sounded excited about me. The chair was wonderfully warm in her emails and had good communication.

I submitted my additional materials on March 1.

And it's been crickets chirping ever since. Last week I sent in a letter of recommendation for one of my own students, who is applying for the MA program in the department where I applied for the job. I took the opportunity to inquire abou the timetable for the search, since the chair had indicated that interviews would take place at the end of April.

I got a very brush-offy email from her, and that's it. The job was also reposted on April 9 -- in spite of the fact that the original deadline was October 1. So, I'm left thinking, WTF?

I'm exhausted.

The pressure cooker of stress I've been living in the last nine months is finally taking its toll. I can barely function.

That is all. 

I am a warrior. I'm a fucking Amazon. I stand down for no one, and nothing. I fight hard, I work hard, I love hard, I laugh hard, I cry hard, and I play hard. I give everything and everyone 100 percent of myself. And that includes myself.

Somewhere along the line I seem to have forgotten that this is my Divine birthright, that when Rhiannon claimed me at 21 She put me under Her protection but She also placed the sword in my hand and the shield on my arm.

I don't know when I ended up lying on a battlefield, huddled under a dead horse, hoping no one would see me.

It doesn't matter.

I'm getting up. 

Stand with me, or stand aside. 

Somehow the batteries lasted out til the end of the day. I'm not sure how. If I needed any incentive to get off my ass and publish this book so I never have to pay the bills with admin work again, today was it. Don't get me wrong -- I have endless respect for administrative professionals, and know beyond doubt that the Universties where I have worked (and almost anywhere else) would grind to a halt without the efforts of this underappreciated group of folks. I just don't want to have to do the stuff I did today, every day for the rest of my life.

As those who have been around for a while know, I'm working part time for my old boss while I"m on the job market, and part of that job is helping with an executive search. Today our first candidates were on campus, and after I'd already taught my class at Mountain View I got to come in and wrangle candidates. You see, these are theoretically confidential interviews for the semifinalists. So that means that a) no one at the school they are interviewing in, other than the Search Committee, can see them/know who they are; and b) the candidates can't see each other. So I got to come in and pick up Candidate #1 at his hotel, walk him back to The Boss's office for a 3:15 meeting with the Dean of the School in question, and wait while said Dean was 20 minutes late. Then I got to rush to the library and pick up Candidate #2 and take him to the cab that was (supposed to be) waiting out back to take him to the airport while The Boss took Candidate #`1 out the front of the building to his session with the Committee. Said cab was 25 minutes late. Insert numeous phone calls and endless amounts of chit chat about Dallas, the University, the arts community, etc. I don't know how much longer I could have played University Ambassador today. And I get to do it all again on Thursday. Thank G-dd-ss for the extra hours at least.

After depositing Candidate #2 in his cab, I got a few minutes to check emails and such, then ran to the Women's Center to audition for the University production of The Vagina Monologues, which will go up in February. I think my cold read from the script went pretty well, and it looks like a good group of students in charge of the production this year. I will know by Tuesday whether or not I've been cast, and if so, for what part. I am hoping to get cast, because I had so much fun the last time (psycho director nonwithstanding), and this is a cause that's dear to my heart. I'll keep everyone posted with that. They did seem impressed with my read, and had me also do a bit of the monologue I performed last  time so they could hear my Brooklyn accent :) We'll see. Cast or not, I'll be doing support for the show.

Then it was to the grocery store and home, where eraven had chili waiting for me. Thank G-dd-ss for food, at least now I'm just zombified and no longer ded.

Here in a bit I'm off to see The Girl and do some work on my fellowship application for Rice and my job apps for UT. 

Somewhere in there I need to get ahold of my lead faculty, who was supposed to come evaluate my class today but didn't. And my chair sent a colleague my way -- she's doing her M.Ed. and needs to interview professors about their teaching philosophies and styles, and apparently he told her I'm the person to talk to. Hopefully she emails me tomorrow so I can get her what she needs before I just go screaming mad.

Now, I perhaps shouldn't bitch -- my life is deliciously and deleriously full, and for the most part with things I love and welcome.

But can I get a 5 minute break?