Things have been pretty crazy around here, hence the lack of real updates. I'm trying to get back into the swing of journalling, both here and on paper. So much of the last two or three months has simply been too painful to write about, and there is something about committing it to paper or screen that made it Real in a way that I guess I wasn't ready to handle. However, as I am now emerging from the darkness, I feel like I can take up these pursuits again, and I'm grateful for it.

I am more OK than I expected to be at this point. I still hurt over Bun sometimes, but I also know that right now I'm living the life I'm meant to live -- or at least the beginning stages of it. I am learning to love What Is instead of What Was or What Could Be, which those who have known me longest will realize is a fairly big shift in my concsciousness. I'm starting to get my life back under me and take control back, and while part of that has been a deep sadness at what degree I allowed that control to slip, it feels good. My apartment is slowly becoming mine as I purge the unnecessary and replace what needs replacing. The lovely Betty Bleubird provided me with a "Home Love' routine which is working well for me. My place is no show place, but it is slowly coming together and starting to feel like *mine* rather than the "place I used to share with Bun." There are a number of thigns I will need to replace over the next months -- I could do it all now, but would rather take time to both budget wisely and choose things I really love, rather than choosing replacements for the sake of replacements: dishes, kitchen implements, bed linens, etc. I'm not replacing any large items until I figure out if and when I am moving, though I am getting rid of some things.

Careerwise I'm up in the air. I'm glad I didn't do the breakneck speed move to Houston to do the program at UH. I may still do that -- I put off my application until January, and if they come across with a good financial aid package, and none of the other things I am applying for comes through, I will relocate to th Bayou City to pick up my sociology hours and thus expand my career options. Until then, however, I'm grounded in DFW, and I'm OK with that. I have a metric fuckton of writing projects to get done, and if I were in school and in a new city, I would not be doing them. Plus, I need to know that if I go to Houston, I am going for me. The move to Houston was originally an adventure Bun and I were to have together, and I need to make sure that, if I undertake that move, it is wholly my own. The state of the academic market is rough, but there are jobs and fellowships to be had, so I am exploring all options.

My Mountan View class did not make, which is not the best thing, but I think it will turn out to be a blessing. I need the time to write, and things are busy enough with The Boss and UoP that I am already having a hard time carving out the time I need for my own scholarly pursuits. So I am going to take it as a sign that I need to be writing more than I need to be earning the money I would have gotten from MVC. Besides, now that I am only supporting me, my finances are starting to untangle. Plus, The Boss is now generating new material on the Blaine book, which means I have acres of transcription work, which can be done at home. So I can put in hours on that job at night, or in the early mornings, and still have my writing days at the house. Transcription is actually kind of relaxing for me, and I'm fast at it, so it will work out OK.

I've been quite social the last month and a half. Doing so very casual dating -- and I do mean very casual. I've gone out with three very nice young women, all of whose company I enjoy very much. And that's the extent of it for now -- spending time, enjoying company, getting to know interesting and attractive people, and enjoying the fact that they are enjoying me. I don't need to be involved in anything serious right now, but it's fun to feel attractive and to get to enjoy the fun of meeting new people.

I'm spending time on Facebook of late, which is sort of new, but sort of fun. I have an account from waaaaay back when you had to have a college email to sign up, so if you want to add me, comment here.

Life is beautiful. It is occassionally painful still, and sometimes confusing, and sometimes empty-feeling. But on balance is it full, rich, painted in bright colors and calming neutrals. And most of all, it is mine.

Monday was lovely, a nice day to get back into routine and come down from a fabulous weekend. Made even more special by an impromptu pizza date with a new friend -- amazing conversation until nearly midnight is a wonderful treat for a Monday night.

However, it's a busy week, and so.....

Job search related tasks
Peruse academic job boards and DL as necessary
Peruse nonprofit job boards and DL as necessary
Add new publications to CV
Revise academic CV into nonprofit/corporate appropriate resume
Put relevant due dates on calendar
Make hanging files for each job
Email UH about application for January

Scholarship related tasks
Make files for each writing project
Put due dates on calendar
Touch base with Folklike editor
Send stripped copy of article to Bisexuality editor
Pull sources for Religion and Mothering article
Draft Religion and Mothering article (due 1 Sept)
Finish Folklike articles (1 Sept)
Abstract for Mothering article
Look at CFPs for interesting calls

Non-academic writing related tasks
Outline Bitch article
Complete two more PanGaia reviews
Submit Pangaia reviews
Look at upcoming themes for several magazines and pitch as necessary

Housekeeping related tasks
Litterbox cleaned
Pig cage cleaned
Laundry
Meal plan made
Fridge cleaned
15 minutes per day of declutter
Half Price books run
Goodwill run

Teaching related tasks
Grade final CPs for UoP class
Grade final papers for UoP class
Final grades for UoP class (due Sunday)
Reminders for new UoP class
Grade first CPs for UoP class
New class posts on writing policies for new UoP class
Verify textbook for MVC class
Syllabus for MVC class

Etsy related tasks
Pack orders
Mail orders
Update listings
Touch base with people who might want a show
Pour at least one new scent

Self-care related tasks
15 minutes of journal time
15-30 minutes of daily movement
Pedicure feet

My life is beautiful.

It is complicated sometimes, and busy, and confusing in turn, but it is beautiful.

Spent a fabulous weekend in Houston with threerings  and shotfromthehip , with guest appearances by quietlywatch343 and unkyjar . Drank far too much beer, laughed a lot, talked a lot, and enjoyed the Houston Free Press Summer Fest. Explosions in the Sky, whom we went to go see, was amazing. Octopus Project (whom I love) and The Sword were nice bonuses, and Broken Social Scene was a nice suprise.

Took the Greyhound for insanely cheap, and will do so again.

Slept wonderfully, ate good food, enjoyed good company, and spent time in the Texas sun along the bayou.

My life is filled with so much love, friendship, joy, and abundance.

I have the epic to-do list of doom up, but these are the things I will accomplish by Sunday night...

Half Price Books run to sell off some unloved books
Irving Library run to drop off the ones I'm done with and get some new fiction
Laundry
Litterbox
Pig Cage
UoP Grading caught up for the week

In the midst of that, some cooking ahead for the week. I'm still struggling with cooking for just me, especially since cooking was a very intimate thing for me and Bun. However, I still have to eat, and I can feel the jeans getting a little tight from several weeks of break-up food and irregular eating habits. (Woman cannot live by KFC mashed potatoes and soy protein drinks alone, or at least not well.)

Still need to procure a TV, though I do have a DVD/VCR combo coming my way. (ghostdogmeta and theonetruetiny can we make this happen this weekend?)

May head out to listen to some music with friends tonight, if I don't completely collapse when I get home this afternoon.

You know I'm getting back in form if I'm making lists. I'm skipping the LJ cut this time, because I really need to be able to see this when I pull up my journal. It's not massive, but if it ends up sending your Flist page into freakouts, let me know.

Today I take what is hopefully the final step in finding out if one of my Plan B's is going to pan out. More on that when things develop more clearly. Until then...

Job Search Related Tasks
American U app (send out later today)
Writer/Editor app (send out later today)
Freedom Network app (send out later today)
Georgetown app (send out later today)
Revise academic CV into corporate/nonprofit resume
Fill out Kaplan online application
Search academic job boards and DL as necessary
Search nonprofit job boards and DL as necessary
Search corporat job boards and DL as necessary
Send CV and statement of purpose to AAA section head

Scholarship Related Tasks
Print guidelines for Religion and Motherhood article
Start file for Motherhood article
Print guidelines for Mulitmedia Encyclopedia articles
Start file for Multimedia articles
Flesh out outlines for Queer Folklife articles
Touch base with Queer Folklife editor about deadlines
Look at CFP boards and mark as necessary
Send ghost stories to girl at SMU magazine

Teaching Related Tasks
Grade most recent CheckPoints
Put feedback for CP's in the Gradebook
Post reminders for late papers
Grade research papers (by Sunday)
Weekly feedback reports posted (by Sunday)
New weekly posts to classroom (on Sunday)
Answer student emails

Writing Related Tasks
Marketing letter for consulting client
Touch base with Bitch magazine about my article
Proposal to Sagewoman (by Friday)
Complete at least two PanGaia reviews (by Sunday)
Peruse freelance boards and make contacts as necessary

Household Tasks
Daily Flylady missions
Do couple loads of laundry
Clean litterbox
Clean guinea pig cage
Mail car insurance paperwork
Mail prescription paperwork
15 minutes per day of clean/declutter
Meal plan
Prepare lunches
Return SMU library books
Return Irving library books

Dreaming Priestess Related Tasks
Pack orders
Mail orders
Update Etsy
Pay Etsy bill

Self-care Tasks
15-30 minutes of movement each day
Color hair
Pedicure feet

I need everyone to know that I am OK. I have struggled since Bun left, but I am OK. I am way behind on my Flist, my writing deadlines, and everything else. But I am slowly catching up. Alot of this has just been too painful to write about, and I'm only now beginning to fully process all of it. But I am slowly but surely coming back to myself, coming back to where I need to be, and figuring some stuff out.

Regular updates will resume very soon.

For now, I am taking care of myself, I am taking my medication, and I am seeing a good counsellor, and I am trying to figure out what my next move is going to be.

Good energy, thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are welcomed. Anyone out there who wants to consult their respective oracles or guides and send me any guidance, that's welcomed, too.

If I owe you something, please know that it's coming.

Everything sort of cratered around me right after Bun left.

But I'm picking up the pieces, one by one, and I'm going to turn them into something beautiful. It's just going to take some time.

Please know that all your love and support mean more to me than I can ever fully expresss. I could not have survived the last three weeks without knowing you were all out there, pulling for me and lovingme.

Anyone got a TV I can borrow for a few weeks? The one in the house belongs to Bun and she will take it when she clears out her stuff on Saturday. (I have made arrangements to NOT be in the house while she does this.) I will be able to purchase my own in a couple of weeks. Nothing fancy, and I have cable so the digital transition is not a problem. (My cable is rolled into my rent, and I don't have an option to opt out, so it is literally wasting $40 a month for me not to have a TV, otherwise I would not worry about it.) If you have one your'e wanting to sell cheap, let me know.

...and it may seem petty and small, but I need to do it, and in a public way. Feel free to add as you see fit!

Postive Things About Bun Leaving Me

For the first time in my life, I have my own apartment
For the first time in my adult life, I have complete control over my own finances
I can dress as I like and not be called "dykey" or "trashy"
I can have whatever I want in the fridge, freezer, and pantry -- even if it's three varieties of Ben and Jerrys'
I can see who I want, when I want
Bed all to myself!
As long as I pay my bills, I can spend my money on whatever makes me happy (goes along with #2)
I can relocate anywhere I have an opportunity -- Houston, across town, Timbuktu, doesn't matter!
When I'm ready, I can DATE! (Don't worry, not for a while!)
I can watch all day marathons of Clean House and whatever else I want (as soon as I replace the TV that is)
I can listen to whatever weird music I want, as loud as I want, as long as I don't disturb the neighbors
Sir Boo Boo won't have anyone calling him names anymore
I can decorate my apartment any way that I want
I can do ritual in the middle of my living room whenever I want
No daily litany of my personal failings!
I can cook whatever I want
I can explore vegetarianism if I want
I can go see bands, movies, etc. that I want to see
I can keep my own schedule

I'll be adding as I think of things. I need this. Like I said, add as you see fit.

Bun's gone, this time for good. She has been back for a couple of weeks, and in the end I just couldn't handle the constant inventories of my failings, the refusal to get a job in the area, the refusal to take any responsibilities, the put downs, the emotional battery. I left an emotionally violent marriage and entered into another emotionally violent relationship. This morning I finally stood up for myself, and that was it.

She packed what she could and bailed. She'll be back for the rest soon.

I don't know what impact this has on my tentative plans to move to Houston.

I'm devastated but OK.

The music I choose for my commute really sets the mood of the day. Sometimes I manipulate this intentionally -- I'll set the mood or pace I want for the day by choosing music that will create that. Sometimes I let the Great Musical Oracle speak and hit Shuffle All. And then, sometimes, I choose tuneage and only later realize the tone it sets.

Today's commute in? Selections from Everclear's "So Much for the Afterglow," Tori Amos's "Little Earthquakes," and Blue October's "Consent To Treatment."

Yep, it's a "No Bullshit" Day.

I'm still working on catching up on everything that slid last week. I feel like I bit off waaaay more than I could chew the last two weeks, and now I'm trying to parcel it out into small bits so that I can get everything done. If I owe you something, please know I'm getting there. I'm hoping to have all my backlog taken care of by the end of the week, by Wednesday if I can manage it.

Tomorrow's a work from home day, and while I have several writing projects to work on, I'll be filling in along the sides with little tasks that need to be accomplished. I'll be putting up a list later today for my own information.

For now, it's back to 1896 and then to lunch with augustrayne 

Wanting to go out to the lake for Solstice, but the 103 degree Texas heat is giving me pause. A morning run to Home Depot was enough to leave me in a melted puddle, so I'm wrestling with this one. I really want to go and experience some community and Spirit, but  I also know my body well enough to know that the chances I'll end up puking on the bathroom floor from heat exhaustion are better than fair. Hrm.

Doing my Phoenix grading. It's been a challenging week there, and I'm not feeling it.

I'm amazed at how fast my paycheck goes once I pay bills. This whole "getting paid once every nine weeks" bit from UoP means that we end up running our household supplies down to nothing and needing to do a massive Costco and grocery run to replenish. Plus you pay all the bills and all the other stuff you've deprived yourself of, and that big chunk o cash doesn't go very far after all. Bleh.

Bun's made some lovely earrings to put on the Etsy site. They'll be up later today or sometime tomorrow. I'm also putting together some "kits": a bar of soap, a facecloth, and a bag of salts to be sold as a bundle. Keep an eye out for those.

Thanks to everyone who sent along feedback on the site and the products yesterday. We're making some changes so keep an eye on the space. We'll be adding some Ebay auctions as well. Currently we have one up for one of our personal travel altars but I'll be putting some soap kits or spa baskets up as soon as I get some built. 

I know this space has been quiet the last week. I'm waaay behind on my Flist and need to catch up.

Everything's OK, just veeery busy. Working a lot of hours for The Boss, picking up (hopefully) a small gig making marketing materials (say that three times fast) for a guy starting a consulting gig, working on the Etsy site, and trying to get my own scholarship out of neutral. (That's actually going quite well, hence the radio silence.) Plus online teaching and household stuff.

Things are good, I am feeling very excited about the direction things are going. Bigger update coming in the next few days.

I'm having a hard time settling down to anything today. I've accomplished basically nothing substantial -- I'm a total space case.

If you requested a reading via my open thread, I'll get back to you once I'm grounded -- I don't trust my intuition right now, but after some dinner I'll probably feel better.

This is a very weird feeling, and knowing I have so much to do in the next few days is not a good feeling either. I get this way sometimes, and I've never been able to figure out the common denominator.

Can I get a do over on today?

I need everyone to know I am OK. I have so appreciated all your comments and messages over the last few days. I'm going to reply as soon as my head is more together.

But I am OK. I am focusing very much on myself right now, on what I need and want in my life, on what I will and won't accept.

Bun actually showed up last night to talk things out. She told me she realized she had made a big mistake leaving. I am glad she is here, and willing to hear what she has to say and all that. What we'll ultimately decide is best for each of us, I don't know.

But everyone, please know that I am well, I am focused, and I am seeking what is in my highest good right now. I am not going to do anything that will be to my ultimate detriment. I refuse to go back into bad patterns or into a life that it anything less than the awesome, fulfilling, healthy, magnificent one that I deserve.

And I'm in hardcore "no bullshit" mode.

I love you all.

...messaged, called, or commented....

First, thank you. Your support and honesty mean more than you can know.

Secondly, I'm doing OK. I have my rough patches, but I'm doing OK. Bun and I have talked, and I don't know where things are going to go there. Right now I'm focused on the things I need to do to make my life better, whether there is a partner in it or not.

Bun will be out of town from May 21-31. Although I've got work and projects, I'm also sure I'm going to be wanting company! So, fill my dance card! Let me know what's going on, make a coffee or beer date with me, or contact me if you're going to be in town during this period (if you're normally, you know, not in town.)

I will be without a car of my own, as the money for repairs just didn't happen and neither did fundage for a rental. However, I'm pretty capable with public transit and can get most places. Sundays are the only tough day -- no TRE into Dallas means I'm pretty well grounded here. You're of course welcome to come out here, if you'd like to drive, either to enjoy Irving and points west, or to kidnap me for the day.

I'm hoping to get to catch up with people I haven't seen in a while in addition to catching up on "me" time and finishing some projects.

madphd , your crew will be at the grande anime fest that weekend, yes? Perhaps a Farmer's Market trip and some cooking for that Sunday, if you're willing to make the hike out here to retrieve me?

Today, I drove through the landscape they always show on the news during those "Main Street America is Dying!" and "This is the face of the recession" pieces on the news. Now I'm at a charming B&B just a few blocks from the proverbial dying Main Street, complete with boarded-up windows and vacant storefronts.

And when I pulled into town, no shit, John Mellencamp's "Pink Houses" came on the local classic rock station.

If I'm lyin', I'm dyin', folks.