I need everyone to know that I am OK. I have struggled since Bun left, but I am OK. I am way behind on my Flist, my writing deadlines, and everything else. But I am slowly catching up. Alot of this has just been too painful to write about, and I'm only now beginning to fully process all of it. But I am slowly but surely coming back to myself, coming back to where I need to be, and figuring some stuff out.

Regular updates will resume very soon.

For now, I am taking care of myself, I am taking my medication, and I am seeing a good counsellor, and I am trying to figure out what my next move is going to be.

Good energy, thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are welcomed. Anyone out there who wants to consult their respective oracles or guides and send me any guidance, that's welcomed, too.

If I owe you something, please know that it's coming.

Everything sort of cratered around me right after Bun left.

But I'm picking up the pieces, one by one, and I'm going to turn them into something beautiful. It's just going to take some time.

Please know that all your love and support mean more to me than I can ever fully expresss. I could not have survived the last three weeks without knowing you were all out there, pulling for me and lovingme.

...and it may seem petty and small, but I need to do it, and in a public way. Feel free to add as you see fit!

Postive Things About Bun Leaving Me

For the first time in my life, I have my own apartment
For the first time in my adult life, I have complete control over my own finances
I can dress as I like and not be called "dykey" or "trashy"
I can have whatever I want in the fridge, freezer, and pantry -- even if it's three varieties of Ben and Jerrys'
I can see who I want, when I want
Bed all to myself!
As long as I pay my bills, I can spend my money on whatever makes me happy (goes along with #2)
I can relocate anywhere I have an opportunity -- Houston, across town, Timbuktu, doesn't matter!
When I'm ready, I can DATE! (Don't worry, not for a while!)
I can watch all day marathons of Clean House and whatever else I want (as soon as I replace the TV that is)
I can listen to whatever weird music I want, as loud as I want, as long as I don't disturb the neighbors
Sir Boo Boo won't have anyone calling him names anymore
I can decorate my apartment any way that I want
I can do ritual in the middle of my living room whenever I want
No daily litany of my personal failings!
I can cook whatever I want
I can explore vegetarianism if I want
I can go see bands, movies, etc. that I want to see
I can keep my own schedule

I'll be adding as I think of things. I need this. Like I said, add as you see fit.

I'm trying to find my strength, but no matter how hard I dig, I don't seem to be able to.

I know I am better off. I know that I do not need to be with someone who refers to me as pathetic, a failure, unambitious, trashy, weak. I do not need to be with anyone who tells me that a "person like me" can't fit into the cosmopolitan, wealthy life she wants. I do not need to be with someone who belittles my spirituality and lists my failures. I do not need to be with someone who refuses to contribute financially and then also breaks up with me because I can't keep a house that looks like Dwell magazine while also working multiple jobs.

I know this is for the best.

Someone just needs to tell what's left of my heart.

Bun's gone, this time for good. She has been back for a couple of weeks, and in the end I just couldn't handle the constant inventories of my failings, the refusal to get a job in the area, the refusal to take any responsibilities, the put downs, the emotional battery. I left an emotionally violent marriage and entered into another emotionally violent relationship. This morning I finally stood up for myself, and that was it.

She packed what she could and bailed. She'll be back for the rest soon.

I don't know what impact this has on my tentative plans to move to Houston.

I'm devastated but OK.

I need everyone to know I am OK. I have so appreciated all your comments and messages over the last few days. I'm going to reply as soon as my head is more together.

But I am OK. I am focusing very much on myself right now, on what I need and want in my life, on what I will and won't accept.

Bun actually showed up last night to talk things out. She told me she realized she had made a big mistake leaving. I am glad she is here, and willing to hear what she has to say and all that. What we'll ultimately decide is best for each of us, I don't know.

But everyone, please know that I am well, I am focused, and I am seeking what is in my highest good right now. I am not going to do anything that will be to my ultimate detriment. I refuse to go back into bad patterns or into a life that it anything less than the awesome, fulfilling, healthy, magnificent one that I deserve.

And I'm in hardcore "no bullshit" mode.

I love you all.

Bun packed what would fit in her car this morning and moved back to Houston. She'll be back for the rest of it soon.

I can't believe it's over.

I love her so much.

I am wrecked.

I'll be Ok, but I'm not sure when.

...messaged, called, or commented....

First, thank you. Your support and honesty mean more than you can know.

Secondly, I'm doing OK. I have my rough patches, but I'm doing OK. Bun and I have talked, and I don't know where things are going to go there. Right now I'm focused on the things I need to do to make my life better, whether there is a partner in it or not.

Happy 28th birthday to Bun. I love you, sweetheart.