I was busy virtually all day, and yet I feel like I accomplished almost nothing. Despite all my best plans, I'm still going to end up packing tomorrow night when I get home from MVC -- at 10pm. I leave for my trip at 930 on Thursday morning, so I can't be up too late tomorrow night. Yet I have a gazillion things left to do, it seems, and almost no time to do them in.

Today I accomplished:

Snack run for trip
Responded to student emails
Responded to Discussion threads/facilitated discussion
Graded a portion of student papers and got feedback reports prepared for those students
Organized most of what I need to pack into a laundry basket so I can pack it tomorrow
Did a load of laundry
Put two loads of laundry away
Had a lovely candelit dinner on the porch with Bun
Fed the animals

Things I did not accomplish

Finish grading papers
Put grades for MVC students in Ecampus
Pack bag for weekend
Grill chicken for quick snacks this weekend (I need to keep a cooler in my tent with snackies for late night/.early morning munch)
Make playlists for workshops
Make notes for workshops
Sort images for Boss (though I can do some of this on the train in the AM)
Clean litterboxes
Clean kitchen

Some of these things, Bun will do tomorrow or while I am away. I have been trying to not leave her with a messy house and a huge task list while I am gone, so that she can also get some quality downtime and not spend the whole time either cleaning or fretting about a messy house. If only I didn't have to go to my jobs tomorrow! But The Boss is pissy about  me missing Friday to be out of town, so I need not only to go in tomorrow, but to be relatively brilliant and hardworking. At the same time, I know I can knock some of my UoP work out over my lunch break, and possibly in the late afternoon. If I ask Bun, she will grill the chicken for me and perhaps finish the laundry and do the litterboxes.

Tomorrow's going to be a long day and a late night. Fortunately, there is a much-needed break at the end of it, and I will appreciate it all the more for the craziness leading up to it. How is it that no matter how hard I try, I'm always rushing at the last minute the night before a trip?

I ended up taking a mental health day from the job search today. Part of that was involuntary -- my laptop is sick and Vista won't boot out of crcdisk (whatever that is). I searched and apparently this is the side effect of an update Windows sent out -- something to do with USB ports, I don't know. It can't do a system restore nor boot up in Safe Mode. So I'm gonna have to reinstall Windows (XP if I can get ahold of a copy, I really hate Vista) which pisses me off. Most of my really important stuff is on the flash drive, so I won't lose much, but it's still a PITA. It's enough to make me consider switching to Mac out of spite next time I buy a laptop. Grrrrrr.

And on top of that, I just hit the wall. I'm tired, I'm stressed. I have had zero strong nibbles on the job front, and the mild nibble I had last week has so far not turned into anything. Now, spring breaks are happening at colleges around the country this week and next, so maybe the radio silence should be expected. But I still cannot believe that I am as good at my job as I am -- and I know that I am -- and no one seems willng to take a chance on me. It's really quite demoralizing. Add in the fact that my current job with The Boss is slowly eating my soul and my self-esteem, and it's not a fun time around here.

Speaking of The Boss, we sent the manuscript for the 1896 book off to the publishers yesterday. We have a little work left to do, but for all intents we are done. I basically came back to this job to finish the book with him, since I was the primary researcher on it from the beginning. He won't fire me or anything, but there likely won't be much work of substance for me to do unless he picks Mr. Blaine back up. I promised to stay until the book was done, and I've done that, but now I don't know what my next step will be.

I'm trying to remain positive, cheerful, and focused. I know everyone's having a hard time. I know I have Options. Bun and I spend a lot of time talking about Plan B these days, which involves relocating to a certain city on the Gulf Coast (or thereabouts). I don't want to get too attached to Plan B in case it's not what we go with. It also means admitting failure on the market yet again, unless one of the jobs I've put in for down there comes through (and none of them are teaching gigs). I tell myself that there are several community colleges where I could adjunct there, that there are three universities with good Soc programs, and I could go back and get the 18 grad hours of Sociology I need to be certified to teach. But the idea of going back to school after spending 10 years getting a PhD is depressing and daunting.

There has to be something out there for me. I'm a talented professor -- everyone that comes through my classroom says so. I'm a good researcher, and a good writer. I do excellent work.

So why won't anyone give me a second look?

I'm just not feeling the job search today. I was halfway through the electronic app for a staff position at UH, and just couldn't hang. (Don't worry, I saved it and will finish it later.) I'm so over looking for a job, but since I don't have one yet, that means I gotta keep up the search.  I'm just tired of putting all these little pieces of myself out in the Universe and not getting any results. Yes, I know this all takes time. And I'll be in better humor about it tomorrow. But for today? I'm fuckin' over it.

I did probably six job apps last week, and while I've gotten some EEOC forms back, so far that's it. I thought I had a nibble from one, but so far that hasn't really materialized into anything more concrete. I am tired of waiting. I am trying not to worry. Bun and I are hatching  a Plan B that would be workable, but the idea of having failed on the job market yet again is discouraging. The idea of taking a nonteaching job is also discouraging to some extent, but it is something I could do and do well. I cannot believe that I have a PhD, and I am as a good a professor as I am (and I know that I am) and no place so far has taken a chance on me. It just seems wrong.

I know I shouldn't get discouraged, and I know being negative about it is bringing negativity into the situation. I have to stay focused and positive and just keep baiting hooks and putting them in the water.

But today? I'm fuckin' over it.

I've been working through the to-do list of doom, helped along with three consecutive days off of work. I still have any number of things to do, however, and I won't even think about the new list I need to make for this coming week. I'd really like to get through as much of the old stuff before I start thinking about new tasks.

I really need to be working on either an article or some job applications tonight, but I just can't seem to get any forward momentum going. Got up this morning and did my required grading for my UoP class, which was nice. I'm on top of the grading (which has a 48 hour turnaround) thus far, which is a marked improvement from my mentorship..I did all the grading in about an hour, which is also an improvement. I'm hoping it continues to go as fast.

After grading was done, it was errand time. Ran out to Target and then to Lane Bryant for an interview suit. I don't have any interviews lined up as yet, but I'm hoping that having the suit ready and waiting will bring some of that energy. I still need a blouse and shoes, and will get my hair cut Thursday. Pictures will follow, as soon as the whole outfit is ready. I got some things ready to go into the mailbox, and have a few more that I'll pack up tonight too.

Yet I can't settle down to writing. Not even my reviews for 50bookchallenge which I need to get up before I lose count. (Seven books so far in 2009, for those keeping count for some bizarre reason.) But my Muse, she is silent tonight. Perhaps a cup of tea and some dinner will spark her awake.

I need to do these job applications. I just think I'm a bit burned out -- tired of putting all these little pieces of myself into envelopes and either getting rejected or, worse still, waiting and waiting. I'm thinking that hiring committees will start making decisions in the next couple of weeks, which means that I'll at least have closure on a number of the searches I have out there in the wind. I know I need to keep pounding the pavement (metaphorically) but I am continually suprised at how exhausting job searches are. I think some of it is peculiar to the academic market and the totally fucked up way we do things, but I imagine some of it is just job searching in a down economy. I'm trying to keep positive yet I also know that I have limited time to come with a Plan B should my academic search come up empty this year.

And why I'm nattering about it on my LJ instead of taking action to do something about any one of the things I could be taking action on? That's anyone's guess. 

My brain is full.

I'm in the throes of my second week of Specialized Training for the University of Phoenix job. After I complete this week's training, I'll know if I proceed to the Mentorship, which is the last step before final hiring and is paid. Basically you teach two classes and have a mentor in your online classroom; based on your performance, they either hire you on or no. All signs seem to be trending positively for me here, but I won't really know anything until this time next week. The pace is grueling. I haven't had homework in years, after all, but so far I like it. I kind of want to take some classes online now just to get the student experience. I'll be glad when training is over, but even if I don't get the job I feel like I'm better equipped to do online teaching now.

I have writing that needs to get done. I'm working on the  Encyclopedia of Gay Folklife  and I'm a bit behind on my writing deadlines. I just can't get inspired. Probably because of the brain fry from UoP.

I need to start shopping the book to university presses. That was the suggestion from British Publisher, who thought the proposal was great and the manuscript brilliant, but not a good fit for their catalog. So it's off to the list from the  Chronicle that sirpurpleduck sent my way a few weeks ago.

I'm ready to get paid. It's been a broke week at The Stronghold.

Melissa Etheridge kicked ass last Friday. I got tickets last minute on Ebay, $50 for the pair. Great show. No opening talent, just 2 and a half hours of Melissa. Absolute heaven. Worth being a little tight this week.

I cannot do anymore homework tonight. I gotta sleep.

Sleep. Lots of it.

Figure out where I'm going to make up the shortfall between my bank account and my rent check. (and my electric bill. And my internet bill)

Get cellphone plan changed to a cheaper plan.

Cook some things to take for lunch next week so I don't have to spend money.

Write at least three reviews for PanGaia

Check in with proofreading clients to see what's in the revenue stream.

Living-room based yoga.

More sleep.

Try not to go insane with worry, business, or stress. 

 I cannot get going today. I'm just...exhausted...and not just in the physical sense. Sometimes I don't know if I have the stamina for this whole "starting my life over" thing. There is something to be said for routines, even if they sometimes turn into ruts. There is something to be said for having a way that you do things, for having things that  you accept as givens. Once all that is taken away, you're really starting from square one.

...readjusting to depression meds when you've been off of them for a month because you couldn't afford the prescription suuuuuuuuuucks......

Now back to your regularly scheduling surfing. 

Today was just too  much for this dakotawitch

Annual physical at 11:15am. This meant fasting since 11:00 last night. So sleeeeeeepy and mildly dehydrated. The Girl had to drive me into town, since I have not yet had the cash to put a new tire on the truck. Lucky she did, because I wouldn't have been able to stay awake for the drive in.

40 minute wait at the doctors. Dozed in the waiting room after The Girl and I finished playing the Find the Hidden Things puzzle in the latest Highlights (Stop looking at me. It's a doctor's office thing.)

Weighted, measured, peed in the cup, poked, prodded, inspected in places most people don't see without buying me dinner. 

Then down to the lab for the bloodwork, where they took FOUR FREAKIN' VIALS OF BLOOD.

I was already worn out and it was only 12:40. 

Then off for some lunch (finally) and to work whilst The Girl went to a job interview.

I'm tired. Too tired to do any of the things I was supposed to do tonight. Want sleep.

 Once again, the job search has stalled.

A few months ago, I found out I made the second round for a job at a local historically all-female institution of higher learning (henceforth referred to as LHFI). Which means they looked at my CV, were sufficiently interested to ask for things like a writing sample and letters of recommendation, and based on that new information would decide whether I got an interview or not. They sounded excited about me. The chair was wonderfully warm in her emails and had good communication.

I submitted my additional materials on March 1.

And it's been crickets chirping ever since. Last week I sent in a letter of recommendation for one of my own students, who is applying for the MA program in the department where I applied for the job. I took the opportunity to inquire abou the timetable for the search, since the chair had indicated that interviews would take place at the end of April.

I got a very brush-offy email from her, and that's it. The job was also reposted on April 9 -- in spite of the fact that the original deadline was October 1. So, I'm left thinking, WTF?