I ended up taking a mental health day from the job search today. Part of that was involuntary -- my laptop is sick and Vista won't boot out of crcdisk (whatever that is). I searched and apparently this is the side effect of an update Windows sent out -- something to do with USB ports, I don't know. It can't do a system restore nor boot up in Safe Mode. So I'm gonna have to reinstall Windows (XP if I can get ahold of a copy, I really hate Vista) which pisses me off. Most of my really important stuff is on the flash drive, so I won't lose much, but it's still a PITA. It's enough to make me consider switching to Mac out of spite next time I buy a laptop. Grrrrrr.

And on top of that, I just hit the wall. I'm tired, I'm stressed. I have had zero strong nibbles on the job front, and the mild nibble I had last week has so far not turned into anything. Now, spring breaks are happening at colleges around the country this week and next, so maybe the radio silence should be expected. But I still cannot believe that I am as good at my job as I am -- and I know that I am -- and no one seems willng to take a chance on me. It's really quite demoralizing. Add in the fact that my current job with The Boss is slowly eating my soul and my self-esteem, and it's not a fun time around here.

Speaking of The Boss, we sent the manuscript for the 1896 book off to the publishers yesterday. We have a little work left to do, but for all intents we are done. I basically came back to this job to finish the book with him, since I was the primary researcher on it from the beginning. He won't fire me or anything, but there likely won't be much work of substance for me to do unless he picks Mr. Blaine back up. I promised to stay until the book was done, and I've done that, but now I don't know what my next step will be.

I'm trying to remain positive, cheerful, and focused. I know everyone's having a hard time. I know I have Options. Bun and I spend a lot of time talking about Plan B these days, which involves relocating to a certain city on the Gulf Coast (or thereabouts). I don't want to get too attached to Plan B in case it's not what we go with. It also means admitting failure on the market yet again, unless one of the jobs I've put in for down there comes through (and none of them are teaching gigs). I tell myself that there are several community colleges where I could adjunct there, that there are three universities with good Soc programs, and I could go back and get the 18 grad hours of Sociology I need to be certified to teach. But the idea of going back to school after spending 10 years getting a PhD is depressing and daunting.

There has to be something out there for me. I'm a talented professor -- everyone that comes through my classroom says so. I'm a good researcher, and a good writer. I do excellent work.

So why won't anyone give me a second look?

Eep. I'm going to send out my first article for consideration by a peer-reviewed journal this week. I should have been doing this for at least a year now, but there you go. I'm revising a conference paper that I was pretty proud of, so I feel pretty good that someone will take it. Now I just have to stop fiddling with it once I get the new information and data integrated and get it proofed, and just get the damn thing in the mail. I hate that I can't email it in, but I guess is this part of the process, eh?

It's all part of the bigger process of trying to get my career back on track.

( In which our heroine navel gazes )

Things are kinda hard right now. I hurt alot. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to blog about it. I can talk about it one on one, in person or email or chat. But right now I hurt too bad to type it all up.

It's going to get better. Hopefully soon.

 

Dearest, most generous, most beneficent, most loving Universe...can I get a do-over?

Thank you,

Dakotawitch

...stop fucking with everyone I know and all of our relationships, or I will personally go out on the astral, find you, and drag your ass back direct.

And I'll bring corwin75 with me.

And you know that nobody wants that.

That is all. You may now return to your reguarly scheduled surfing.