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LJ Idol: Take a Hike

And I see the permanent damage you did to me
Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic
I wish it wasn’t four am, standing in the mirror
Saying to myself, you know you had to do it I know
The bravest thing I ever did was run


The single greatest act of courage I have ever performed was locking that door behind me, leaving the key on the patio table, and walking away. You will never know what it cost me to do it, to not turn around and look back. You'll never know that, as soon as I got around the corner from our apartment, I pulled into the Walgreens parking lot, put the truck in Park, and cried for 15 minutes with my face in my hands. And then I wiped my cheeks, blew my nose on a fast-food napkin, and drove away. You'll never know that there were nights I laid awake asking myself if I had really done the right thing, even while my heart and my gut knew that I had. You'll never know how close it all came to ending up another way.

You'll never understand why I did it. You'll never understand whyI couldn't forgive you, like I had always done in the past. You'll never understand why it was that moment that finally broke me, broke us, broke the fragile peace that passed for normal and sometimes even passed for happiness. You'll never understand that I left because if I hadn't have left, I'd have died -- whether at your hands or my own, doesn't matter. You'll never understand that we would have just slowly destroyed each other until there was nothing left, that at the end we weren't fighting for us but only to avoid personal annihilation. You'll never understand that there was no fixing it.

I know that there's a story you've told yourself about why I finally had to go. I know that you had to tell yourself that story, had to make yourself both hero and victim, because otherwise you wouldn't be able to live with yourself. I don't know if you really believe that story you tell yourself, that you tell others when they ask about me and about what happened. I am going to guess that on some level you know it's not true, or at least that it's not the whole truth. But I also don't know if you have, if you even can, fully admit to yourself the role you played. Can you face up to what you did, to me and to us? Do you even get that it was wrong, that it was violent, that it was ugly?

I wish I could explain it to you in a new way, a way that you could understand, a way that you could accept.

But if I couldn't do it then, when I still mattered to you, then I sure as hell can't do it now. Not after all this time, after all that's passed, after all that's happened.

I've spent a lot of sleepless nights trying to make sense of it all myself.

I can list my justifications, list my reasons, take you through the whys. But it won't matter.

When the time comes, when everything is broken on the ground and the only thing you have to hang on to is yourself -- well, then it's time to take a hike.

And once that decision has been made, there's no going back. There's only forward. There are detours. There is rough terrain.

But you can't turn back, you can't look back. Because that's not the way you're going.

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halfshellvenus
Mar. 5th, 2017 07:59 am (UTC)
The ending to this was very powerful, and this was a terrific testament to finding the strength to leave and to survive. I'm sorry it was necessary, but very glad you did it.

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